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Excerpts from Dr. Pat Allen's Book Staying Married and Loving It...
This book is for any couple who is trying to stay together....
But it is primarily addressed to women (and men) who are in a marriage or committed relationship, but are having problems because of confusion and competition.
Staying Married teaches my unique techniques for marital happiness that a couple applies on its own according to their individual needs and wants.
Part One: What's Wrong and How to Make It Right.
In the "old days" men were men and women were women, but this is no longer true. Today we have multiple choices, and we need new concepts if we are to mate and marry and stay married.
It is my theory that in order to make a marriage work, each person must decide freely whether to be the masculine energy partner or the feminine energy partner. It doesn't matter whether it's the man or the woman who chooses to be the masculine energy or the feminine energy — as long as there is one of each.
Giving is masculine energy. Feminine energy is not giving, because giving is active, and femininity — whether in men or women — is passive.
Pretense has no place in relationships. Be grounded in self-awareness, confidence, and integrity.
A marriage really starts when the masculine energy gives up his or her birthright of polygamy, and the feminine energy risks being bonded by giving his or her body.
The relationship commitment takes over where the commitment to a person ends, because a human being cannot be good enough every day to be worthy of your commitment. But the relationship can be, and it will keep two committed people together.
Part Two: Staying Married
Everyone claims to negotiate with their partners with loving empathy and understanding, but when problems arise in communication, all negotiations and intimacy fail and give way to intimidation and seduction. While these do work, they are based on the fear, sense of guilt, and shame of the victim.
Poor communication pushes people apart. You can't speak narcissistically and be intimate. Communicate from your nature. Feminine women must know what they don't want rather than what they do want.
In many cultures, marriage are arranged for financial gain, social status, or religious compatibility. In the West, marriage and romance, for the most part, are self-determined and based on chemistry. Chemistry of course means sex.
After chemistry, the most important requirement for great sex is that the partners be of opposite sexual energies. One person must be the passionate, active, masculine energy pursuer and the other, the affectionate, receptive, feminine energy pursued.
Of course, choosing your primary role in sex doesn't mean that it cannot be altered.
Don't worry about whether it's politically correct to fake an orgasm. We women spend hours faking hair color, getting plastic surgery, wearing uplift bras, and using tanning lotions. We buy clothes that hide faults and cosmetics that cover, fill in, and shadow our faces. So what's wrong with a dramatic display of orgasmic delight?
To many people intimacy equals vulnerability, and vulnerability equals pain--or maybe destruction. Adults who avoid intimacy were most often children who, when under the age of five, had parents, grandparents, or guardians whose actions made love seem dangerous.
Lots of people ask me what happened to the passion they used to have with their husband or wife. I tell them that relationships based on passion are often addictions that burn out with time. Passion often begins a sexual relationship, but affection carries on for long-term marriages.
Money and sex are the major games on the planet. How you handle money is often how you relate intimately. Money problems always impact on sex and sex problems impact on financial issues.
A dysfunctional family results when we women don't say "no" to use and abuse of ourselves and our children. Dysfunctional families produce co-dependent kids. If either you or your husband came from a dysfunctional family, you will probably not be as intimate as you could be.
During the life of a marriage, masculine energy and feminine energy roles flex and bend and sometimes cross over, causing either a flow of mutuality and compatibility — like graceful dancers who intuitively know what their partners want — or conflict, confusion, competition, and chaos as narcissism makes a return appearance.
Part Three: When Nothing Works
When negative issues stack up, often an explosion occurs that can permanently destroy a relationship. When a couple comes to my office on the verge of such an explosion, we sometimes negotiate an eight-week separation to cool things down.
Long-term marriages or relationships must flex and grow with changing people, times and situation. Marriage is like any business: You get out of it what you put into it. Some people believe marriages should "spontaneously" work like miracles — NO!
Part Four: The Rest of the Story
Ten secrets for being a good wife:
- Choose to be either respected or cherished
- Pay attention to your feelings
- Don't forget the courtship
- Learn to communicate your feelings as soon as you have them
- Be available and receptive to lovemaking at least once a week
- Set aside fifteen minutes a day to talk to each other
- Renegotiate terms at least once a year
- Keep all agreements
- Create a romantic memory bank
- Be appreciative of and loyal to your mate
All excerpts © 1997 Pat Allen, Ph.D.
Dr. Pat Allen's A Lifetime of Love...
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