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Relationships in the New
Millennium....
These and many more statements are being flung about as if some 'new
reality' were taking over the planet concerning relationships.
After 25 years of counseling men and
women in straight, gay and lesbian romances - before, during or after
the dust settles - I have come to the realization that there is nothing
'new'! There is simply an unwillingness to follow the 'old' common-sense
ideas about dating, mating, and relating!
Mother Nature has more to say about
relationships than many of you are willing to acknowledge. Books are
coming out weekly espousing neuropepticle bonding, addictive sexual and
otherwise patterned behavior, brain chemistry and neurological
structures, which impact sexual choice. In the past, churches and
governments controlled much in the way of mating and marriage. Today, at
least in the western cultures, romance and individual choice has taken
over the process resulting in happiness for some and misery for others.
Eric Fromm, in his classic book "The Art
of Loving", speaks of four requirements for loving skills: (1)
it must be a priority in your life. Today men and women don't
'need' to mate and marry; it is only a preference. Men can cook, clean
and live alone. Women, thanks to courageous leaders in the women's
liberation movement, can earn a living and lead independent lives alone.
The 'proverbial itch' for sex can be scratched safely without benefit of
marriage. We are now free to choose how, when, who, where, and why we
date, mate, and perhaps marry. All of this spontaneity, I believe, has
led us to chaos.
Another Eric Fromm premise, (2)
discipline confronts the chaos directly. Discipline is either
externally or internally applied. In the 'old traditional days' it was
externally applied with sanctions, civil and religious, in support of
direct confrontation. Today with few limitations, internal discipline
must govern decisions, but which guru, preacher, teacher, talk show
host, or quasi therapist has the answers? As a rather small fish "Pop
Shrink", I have my own way of putting in my 25 cents worth. I believe
that we are all bound by Mother Nature when it comes to picking a sex
partner or life partner.
As long as two thirds of males are
naturally polygamous, and two thirds of females are naturally
monogamous, the battle of the sexes will rage on until women are more
committed to themselves as females than entertaining men sexually,
hoping that somehow a man will be more like a woman sexually.
Uncommitability is more a woman's problem than a man's.
In "The Art of Loving" is (3) the
exchange of respect and cherishing. Respect for one's ideas,
wants, thoughts, goals, and performance, along with a genuine cherishing
of one's physical well-being, feelings, and need to be loved and
empathized with, are basic needs for everyone from childhood through old
age. The rub comes in the terms 'equally' and/or 'equitably'. If each
partner wishes to be 'equally' respected and 'equally' cherished, a
competitive war of needs may take over the dance of love.
In a convenient relationship, i.e. one in
which each partner is equally respected and cherished, there must be
some distance based on pragmatic reality. Two people can 'equally' disco
but they cannot 'equally' waltz. A waltz is much more intimate but also
much more dependent on each partner sacrificing some personal freedoms
for the sake of the dance.
A covenant relationship is one in which
one person is designated the respected leader, either because of
personal skills or because the significant other doesn't want the job.
Likewise, the cherished follower is designated as such because of their
temperament needs or because the significant other doesn't want the job
as much.
Unlike the past where women were
automatically categorized as the cherished, helpless, dependent
followers of the respected protector provider male, today either men or
women may lead or follow depending on their personal negations
concerning time allocations, space responsibilities, money handling and
sexual or non-sexual play needs. Equity exchanges rather than equality
is the new way of relating.
Last but not least (4)
concentration is a keystone in the art of loving. I believe
that the ONLY way we know we love ourselves or anyone else is by the
commitments we are willing to make and keep! The daily, consistent,
attentive keeping of all agreements requires a sacrifice of narcissistic
ego that many are unwilling to make. If you do your half in all your
loving relationships, at least you know you CAN LOVE and you are bound
to find your lovable soul mate one day!
Carl Jung, the great Swiss analyst,
believed in spiritual connection between the feminine (anima) soul in a
man and the masculine (animus) soul in a woman. The animus anchoring the
anima by saying 'NO' to immoral or unethical requests. A virtuous woman
inspires her man to the best he can be. The anima within a man needs to
express itself through his loving generosity, protectiveness and
cherishing, or he will wallow in self-gratification as a little boy
forever.
The waltz of love between the yin
(feminine) and the yang (masculine) energizes and empowers both people,
body and soul. Masculine energy gives to get back. Feminine energy
receives and gives back.
In today's free choice, energy exchanges
between men and women or men and men or women and women, only awareness
and action can avoid competition and conflict. Chemistry is given by
nature; compatibility is given by life circumstances, but in the
communication of thoughts and feelings, wants and not wants, equity love
can be exchanged in the new millennium.
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