|
Excerpts from Dr. Pat Allen's Conversational Rape...
Psychological stability, social interaction abilities, deductive and inductive reasoning, and problem solving capability (IQ) are all significantly determined by language abilities.
If the basic language training system in the first five years of life was based on intimidation and seduction, "Do it, or else I will not love you," or "Do it for me, and I will love you more," the person will believe that this conditional love system is the "right" way to communicate.
Conversational rape is a combination of seduction and intimidation.
Everything that you have experienced to the point of sufficient neurological development is still there in your memory and serves as a source of pain or pleasure.
Pain and pleasure are both normal and natural concepts. They are feelings, and as such, non-negotiable. Feelings exist. Period. They are neither good or bad. It is the exercise of those feelings--what you do with them--that counts.
If young children under five-years-old are raised in a totally emotional, spontaneous way, the ultimate price tag will be, what I call, a pain-centered personality. Self-discipline allows for spontaneity. Self-discipline means: "I feel my feelings. I think my thoughts, and I act on them rationally."
"Spoiled" means that a child receives everything he or she wants because the child or parent is incapable of dealing with the element of pain. The person who can say, "I want...." and "I do not want..." (even if it causes others some conflict or pain) is the person who will not be intimidated or seduced into a conversational rape situation.
Our sexual identity is learned from the opposite-sex parent, and we model after the same-sex parent.
"Father is more important as a trainer for his daughter than mother is. Father says to her, "You are a woman," or "You are going to be a woman." Mother says to her daughter, "I'll show you how to do it."
In contrast mother says to son, "You are a boy, and you are going to be a man, and father is going to show you how to do it."
Supporting one another is a good thing for a mother and father, but remaining an individual is one of the significant gifts they can give their children.
A woman thinks in self-preserving terms and gives in a generous way exteriorly. A man gives in a generous way exteriorly and feels within himself. If a man takes care of his feelings interiorly, he will generally perform in a self-preserving way.
Men raised to express themselves exclusively as males with pressure put on them for performance respond in one of two ways:
- Either they over do and consequently over act, or
- They under do their masculinity and lose faith in themselves
The goal of every human being is balance, integration, appropriate behavior based on feeling secure internally, thinking logically, and acting appropriately.
Falling in lust turns humans into play objects with temporary value. Falling in love takes time; it takes effort, but the value is more enduring.
Independent people are internally secure. People who are not internally secure are anxious, constantly looking for love and a safe environment. When they find what they think they are looking for, they latch on, creating a mutually needy dependent relationship.
Needy people, out of fear of trusting themselves, work towards survival rather than success.
The only behavior that is totally learned, totally environmental, is the behavior of love.
How do I know I love myself? By my willingness to make commitments to myself and to others and to keep them. Unconditional, accepting love is demonstrated by patient negotiation.
We do not need to like or to approve of things as they are. We can do many painful actions by deliberation if the "price or prize" is right. The sign of a truly mature person is his willingness to accept pain as a part of life and his willingness to deal with it rationally then becomes the female.
All excerpts © 1980, 1984-85 Pat Allen, Ph.D.
Dr. Pat Allen's A Lifetime of Love...
| 
